33 years ago my life forever changed. It was the day I became a father. The title of father happened because a child was born with my DNA. I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of holding him for the very first time. A sense of awe and love like I had never known. Also a major sense of “will I be good enough”? Can I be a dad? You see for me, “Dad”, speaks to relationship, connection, and affection. Not the legal title of the father, given by a hospital birth certificate. Anyone can be a father, but not all men can be a dad.
At that moment fear arose in my heart because of the experience with my dad. Although my dad was in my home, he was very busy with three jobs and honestly didn’t know how to be the dad that I needed. At age 9, the state came and took him and his brother, as well as 4 other siblings, and he was orphaned. His parents were both alcoholics and although they loved their kids when they were sober, they didn’t take care of basic needs. Looking back it was the best thing for my dad, but he was not able to see a role model of what being a dad looked like. He did the best he could but when it came to meeting my emotional needs as a son, there was a deficit. Never hear him say I love you. Not attending events. A void was certainly there when it came to understanding what being a man was. I was able to make peace in my heart with him when I went away to college. Realizing he would never be able to give me what I was looking for, I was able to release expectations. No longer waiting for him to change. Great freedom came to me when that happened. I had the best relationship with my dad in his last few years on earth before cancer overtook his life. When he died 24 years ago, I had peace.
The night I sat in the delivery room holding my firstborn son, I made some personal commitments to myself. You see, I had a choice that night. Would I raise my children the way I was raised, (which is typically done) or would I choose to be different? Would I choose to be the dad I wanted and not the dad I had?
The first commitment I made was choosing to be present. I didn’t want to leave parenting up to my wife alone. I would show up with my time and attention. I texted my 5 (yes you read that correctly) adult kids and asked them what the number one quality was in the role I played in their lives. Presence and involvement were at the top. Did I do it perfectly? No. Did I try my best? Yes. Too many practices, rehearsals, games, and recitals to count, but it was all worth it. Dads the best investment you can make with your child is not in a 501K, it’s the investment of your time WITH them. Nothing will ever take the place of YOU.
Secondly, from personal experience and from talking to many men my age, a great need is the need for love and affection. There is a huge deficit in most men. Your kids need to hear you say “I Love You”. They need to feel your arms around them with a hug. For boys, that is especially important, because they will discover masculinity not by being tough and dependent, but by being shown how to love by example.
Lastly, I chose to live an authentic life. When I made mistakes, I owned them. Sometimes not right away, but I would circle back around. I remember one family vacation at the beach. As you can imagine, traveling with 5 kids had its own set of issues. We were trying to capture this perfect family photo while at the beach. You know, the one where everyone looks perfect and full of love for each other. But it was a day of great stress. By the time the picture was snapped, I had released my anger more than once with my words and my attitude. We did get a good picture but it was far from reality, because of me. Although they did give me many reasons to be angry! LOL!!! Back at the hotel, I knew I had one thing I had to do. So, I sat them all Dad, and owned my actions and attitudes. I apologized and asked them to forgive me. Most likely there were things I was dealing with that had nothing to do with them, but I let that color my experience at the beach.
Dads, I don’t come today from a place of perfection. No one does. I do however come, with a few years of experience to encourage you to consider the most important things. I encourage you to show up, to love, to hug, to listen to be there. That’s what they will remember and talk about when you are gone.
